Friday, July 13, 2007

life...

It's so interesting, as I look over the last few posts, how the things that make my life what it is are so fleeting in some ways. We have been a part of this dojo for two years and three months. The people there have become a second family for us, but who knows how long that will continue? When I graduated high school, I worked at a bank full time for two years, then part-time for another year and a half while I went to Kingsborough Community College. After graduation there, I applied for a position in the computer department of the bank in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. After a few months there, I went to Manhattan for a job as a programmer/analyst, and then left there to resume college at Brooklyn College. A year or so there, then off to work again.

Several different jobs, a few traumatic experiences, the death of a dear friend, another friend with cancer and a job lost because of the need to take care of him to some extent, and then I was in the Air Force! First in Texas then Illinois and then New Jersey (while friends went off to North Dakota, the Phillipines, Del Rio Texas, Arizona...where are they all now, I wonder.)

I thought when I got married and had my first child, that life was going to be more steady, but I realize now that as my children changed, my life changed as well. We connected with different groups of people, depending on the kids' growth stages and interests. So, there was the Waldorf study/play-group that we joined, helping to build the foundations of a new Waldorf school in Philadelphia...being homeschoolers, we didn't quite fit anymore when the school actually formed. We were part of a woodcarver's group for awhile, various other groups as well, and in and out of hospitals in between. Then the boys got into Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and there was a gathering place that became a regularity for us. New people, different connections. Some became constant friends, others not. Then they shifted over to Magic the Gathering, and a new store to hang out in. More recently the aikido dojo...and I find that my life has revolved around all these different interests, and my connections with people have also done the same.

People come and go, friends change their interests and move on, others move away. Changes, always, no matter how stable the life situation seems to be. Michael's best friend for the past five years has just moved to Chicago. They now play computer and video games together through the magic of the internet! It makes me wonder what life will look like six months from now, a year, five years? How much of it all has been my choice? I think that is the biggest question for me right now. It's been necessary to some extent to shift with the boys' changes, and their father's as well, working in Brooklyn, then Dobbs Ferry, the Bronx, and then the move to Pennsylvania and several more job shifts, but the boys are getting older now, it's time for my own needs to take priority. What will that look like? I haven't even mentioned the studies I've done in the middle of all this, the groups that I've been in just for me, all the shifts and changes internally as I've learned new things.

I love it when a question starts to take center stage...it means that something deep inside is shifting, and a new way of being is coming to the surface. I have always thrived on change, as well as been blown off the map by it ;-), but when it's time for changes to happen, it becomes pretty obvious and clear eventually. One knows that there are changes coming, just not exactly what they are and what new forms they'll enable.

3 comments:

PixieDust said...

You really are a living, learning, expolorer, aren't you? I love reading this post, and learning more about who you are and HOW you got to where you are. I know this is only fraction of the real you, but it is beautiful - your way of looking at life (at questions).
Families do have a way of making "ourselves" take a back seat. I can't wait to see what happens now that your priorities are taking center stage.
:-)

Carter said...

Ride the wave, Cindy... Ride the wave. ;-)

Cindy said...

Thanks, pixiedust, I enjoyed reading your comment. It's good to write about it, it's been chaos in many ways, but I've mostly been able to see it as a necessary process for becoming who I am and who I will be. I can't wait either, to see who I will be, the waiting is the hard part ;-).
Carter, good advice, I'm riding...it's only the wipe-outs that hurt.